There was a time when confidence was evident in every area of my life. I truly believed I was beautiful just the way God made me and I truly believed He had a special plan designed just for me. Living life back then was so much easier; so much simpler. Of course there were obstacles along the way, hard choices that needed to be made, and sometimes life was confusing… but my confidence in God and His plan outweighed anything else. I honestly thought my confidence would only grow the older I became; I thought I would always love the way God made me (I mean there is only one me… that is pretty incredible). I never imagined I would wake up one morning and hate what I saw in the mirror.
Not me… not the girl who personally knows the One who made her.
It is kind of crazy for me to even think I lost sight of were true confidence resides. A little shameful if I’m honest, but the choice to grow and overcome weaknesses only comes when we are willing to admit them.
I know there are a lot of things that will bring temporary confidence but will fade overtime. I mean, come on, I grew up in church. I went to a Christian college. I am in full time ministry with the love of my life. Surely I would never be enticed by these pretty little lies. The lie of finding confidence in love, the lie of finding confidence in physical appearance, the lie of finding confidence in children, the lie of finding confidence in friends, the lie of finding confidence in wealth, the lie of finding confidence in location, the lie of finding confidence in a job/career, the lie of finding confidence in the appraisal of men, the lie of finding confidence in a spouse, and the lies go on and on. It is not like one day I woke up and I found myself gripping onto one of these pretty little lies. Not even close. It was a slow fade. Slowly my confidence diminished because it was misplaced. Misplaced confidence kills joy. I mean literally destroys it!
About 4 years ago I had a breakthrough on part of my problem with misplaced confidence (yes only part… I am a mess). My church held a Ladies Bible Study by Kelly Minter. The title of the study was “No Other Gods.” To this day this is one of my most favorite Bible studies. Probably because I needed it more than ever back then and I still need it on a daily basis. Over the course of this study, I realized I was living a double-minded life. Kelly Minter stated in her book that “the pervasive desire to be loved and chosen is especially innate in us. This is a very good thing. I believe it’s a God-given thing. However, we’ve all been on both sides of what happens when this desire becomes the dominating force in a person’s life.” She then went on to say, “When we esteem the world, its beliefs, or anything in the world and make it our god, it is as if we are breaking union with Christ, looking for our desires to be met elsewhere.” Ultimately I came to realize I was making my husband my idol. Making him, without his consent, my false god. I looked to him for love, confidence, and to meet my needs. Again, this was not an easy sin to spot in my life. Half of the time I didn’t even realize I was doing it, but I was and it was obliterating my joy. I needed to confess and not only confess but strive to change. I desired to live by James 4:8 when it says to “Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.” So… I did… joy returned and my confidence was placed back in God.
I wish I could say the struggle ended there. I wish I could say my confidence abounds great today but the truth is that the struggle is still real.
It is just as real today as it was four years ago. However, the problem or struggle no longer lies with placing my husband as my idol. No, it goes much deeper than that. This one goes to the core of my soul. This struggle seems impossible to win some days. This struggle haunts me and Satan works his tail off to get me to reside in my insecurity. This struggle is all about loving the mirror.
I have seen so many articles of beautiful women, in vulnerability, encouraging other women to love their bodies. To love the stretch marks, the mommy tummy, the saggy skin, ect. To know, believe, and have confidence in the fact that their bodies did something incredible; their bodies carried a human being for 9 months, and then, those same bodies that endured everything pregnancy threw at them, gave birth. Are these articles inspiring? Of course, and I am sure they encourage a ton of women around the world. They give women a boost of confidence to not only wear that swimsuit but to wear it proudly. I wish I could say reading these articles resulted in a boost of confidence but I cannot. I have not nor ever will change the way I feel about the current state of my body. I love my kids more than anything… but hate my stretch marks. I love my kids more than anything… but hate my mommy tummy. I love my kids more than anything… but saggy skin is for the birds. I love my kids more than anything… but am indescribably insecure when I look in the mirror. In all my insecurity Satan attacks more than ever. His schemes trick my mind to dwell on things that only bring doubt, sadness, and ultimately unnecessary emotional pain.
So, what am I to do? Is this struggle impossible to overcome? Will I seriously never love the person in the mirror? Did Satan win? Will this pretty little lie steal my joy forever?
I am not saying that trying to improve yourself is a bad thing. We all know working out is actually beneficial to your emotional, physical, and spiritual health. The problem comes when working out replaces God. The problem comes when working out and having a “fit” body is the main source of confidence. The problem comes when working out becomes a modern day idol.
I have come to the conclusion that no matter how many inspirational articles I read, how many intense work outs I do, how many miles I run, and how many sit ups, planks, crunches I do on a daily basis; it will NEVER EVER fix my struggle with confidence. It would still exist if I had a six pack… it would still exist if my stretch marks faded (which they are slowly… maybe by the time I am 90 they will be gone)… it would still exist if nothing sagged… it would still exist if I was completely toned and had definition in all my muscles… it would still exist because this pretty little lie never satisfies. It is misplaced confidence. It will fade overtime. It will never ever be enough. Yes, I may love my body but I would never have confidence the way God intended. I would never truly be happy with what I saw staring back at me in the mirror.
So, what am I to do? The answer is simple… Fix my eyes on Jesus and give it ALL to the One who made me. ALL of it. He will hear me; there is no need to fear (Hebrews 13:6). Submit to God and resist the devil (James 4:7). Place my confidence in the truth… in the One that will never ever fade. With confidence in God, draw near to the throne of grace to receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need (Hebrews 4:16). Rejoice because I know I can always have complete confidence in my Savior (2 Corinthians 7:16). He is bigger than any pretty little lie Satan brings my way. My God always wins. My God will deliver me. Because of Him, I know my confidence is not about loving the mirror at all. My confidence abounds in an omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent God. This confidence will last forever. This confidence will illuminate in and through me.
Regrettably, I know Satan will continue to entice me with the pretty little lies this world has to offer. The fight will remain. Remain until the day I die.
Just think of the apostle Paul when he said “I die daily.” If an apostle of Jesus, one who walked and talked to Jesus, struggled on a daily basis and had to commit to dying to his sin nature… then, inevitably so must I. Part of this “dying to self” process is removing the pretty little lies daily and replacing them with truth. This is one of the many areas in my life where I wish doing it was just as easy as saying it… unfortunately, it is quite the opposite. This task is strenuous and challenging but it is not impossible with God. Sure, there will be days, weeks, and maybe even months of failure. Months of misplaced confidence. Months where joy is completely absent… but do not lose sight… do not lose hope. Everything is possible with God.
How insightful and brave to write such personal perspectives on your confidence; where it is and where it belongs. You're young to recognize it, but you have always seemed wise beyond your years. Keep your eyes on the One who made you, keeps you and loves you perfectly. (On days that I struggle with my self worth, I remember whose daughter I am, straighten my crown, and go on!) Love to you ~ thanks for including us in your life!
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